'Moon'

I envy your white

Put on whitest cotton
Buy those white roses
I leave my canvas blank
And lie to myself ''I am white''

You rise from somewhere
With a borrowed light,
Scars on your face
And shine for rest of the night

While I envy your white

As I am beguiled here
You cast my shadow
Love is returned in these black forms
Masochist me is only embracing

And drenched in your white

How deep to be so calm.....
How secure to be so strong....

'By the ocean'

Lost in the sight of your myriad waves,
The ripples, the turmoil at surface
Splashing the azure sky
Your pure white tides.

In a rainbow it flashes
In bright sunshine.
Broken, baffling, back and forth
Tangled thoughts in highs and lows.

Your plight at surface utters my sore heart
And way you combat it;
Ah! I wish of that art.

Enviously I see the calmness in essence,
The unruffled posture amidst turbulence
Embracing the skyline, you meld at horizon
Enviously I see your strength, your devotion.

Mirror

If only it was done to a mirror;

If you gauge my soul,
Read the actions that I owned
Glances I gave and glances I hid
Thoughts I showered,
Emotions unfolded

With a hope in my heart;
If only it was done to a mirror

Sinking In

To all my friends, to IIT K...

SINKING IN!

An ugly salwar suit and sport shoes,

Two pleated braids and a frowning face

An ocean of apprehension;

Yet fresh in my mind is that first day.

And here I stand one last time with you

Yet I fail to say a goodbye

Traces of this moment has no laughter or cry

Nor are there the departing tears;

“It's over” is sinking in: is all my fear

The next few weeks,

My job, my vacation and tickets for convo

All is planned,

And I subtly felt you and I in a different dawn

It's sinking in...

In the midst of projects, assignments and grades

Sleepless nights and scorching days

Subliminal yet piercing it whispers in my head

“This is the last”

This meeting, this smile,

This teasing , these ties

And tomorrow it will be past

It's sinking in....

With you at mess table, cribbing at the food

It comes to my mind

Tomorrow you won't be here to sit by my side

Wish this thought had not crossed;

It's sinking in is all what it brought

Lost in bleak flashes of the bliss and the triumphs,

Pride and celebrations, the failures and frustrations

Ironical it is, the same they appear

Ironically it brings the smile with tears

Bliss in suffering

Its strange how in the quest of happiness, we forget what a irreplaceable role is played by suffering in our lives, in fact isn't it that the very quest, the desire and all the struggle for happiness is due to the suffering.This thought of complete absence of suffering has been pondering and threatening me for a very long time, not that there is even a slight possibility of it in the real world, but that is far from what the weird strings in my head have already construed! For me it is always this that brings me closer to another human being, the connection of two hearts resonates and the eyes caresses the bare soul only in suffering. There is an undefined truth and honesty in this bonding, unravelled through the layers of hypocrisy. Its absence may not only prove fatal but could lead to a state of complete indifference, which as someone has rightly said, is the opposite of life and beauty,worse than hatred and death.

I am not a sadist and neither a masochist but this way of celebrating suffering for what it brings is really fascinating. Thank god there is suffering and there is pain for it is that which makes me rather which keeps me human.It is this that has defined the word happiness for me and it is all those tears in which I had shed all my fears.

Pioneer Batch :)

It was 3:30 pm and I was damn exhausted with my boring classes and a project work, still one thing was left on agenda and so I marched on. VH ,welcoming session of pioneer batch by Director and here I was with 30 people in age of late 70s and enthusiasm of early 20s! Few were busy recalling their time at IITK and few were trying really hard to recall names and faces, well it had been long 50 years, then suddenly it would flash in their head followed by bear hugs and grins :)
All of them are big shots in their spheres and here they were calling each other by nick names, conversing in jargon of their time and being just a Btech all over again. Most of them had come with their lovely wives and they spoke of them fondly to their friends, God! those are lucky wives.
They have a passion, a vision for institute, for students ,for workers and are willing to do every bit of their job to fulfill it.
Also this meeting gave me glimpse of what my life could be and one thing for sure is this is going to be very much mine, as irrespective of how they started from here, they all have played the final innings doing something they really wanted to do. Some are great civil servants, some are the best consultants in the world and I also met a person who is teaching 1000 students of slums in Bombay.
The best part about all of them is return of childhood in their 7os, that very curiosity about everything on campus and affection for everyone. The way they relish this place makes me respect and appreciate it more and more. I know when I come back after 50 years ,which I will, I will so miss my wing, my friends, canteens, coffee at 2am, the night outs, freaking exams and frustrated professors ( ;) ) and would go on lengths to talk about it but it would indeed be an honor ,to connect to my batch in that phase of life and to see them old, matured ,with their families. All of them would be rich by then and we would talk as to how we used to survive in limited money and unlimited expenses. I hope that I and all those I want to meet would be here. I hope that day will come and I am happy this day did.

The pleasure of solitude

Narcissist! A synonym for me . And so I was contemplating that is it my obsession with me or the unparalleled pleasure I get with myself. Also is it only me of this type ?
When I am with me, its my world smeared with my emotions in my perspective and best of all with no judgement, no opinions about it. It makes me smile and it makes me weep, in fact the gamut of emotions emerges only when its only me. Reflecting on the reasons, it seems as if the very idea of being what you are not is abominable to me and yet that is all what I need to, what I am supposed to do most of times with people around me. A fake smile , a fake laughter, a fake worry and a fake person, although there are people who make you feel your very self but then those are very rare.
Probably it is also the drive to reach out to many people, that has brought us to this stage where we do not have time and subsequently the appreciation for true relationships and everything gets reduced to the "Hi, Hellos". So after every such encounter, my mind, my soul demands a huge amount of only me, and I heed to its desire.
And so I choose to be with myself , to feel that great calmness and peace with no obstructions, no obligations but a sheer simplicity of knotted feelings, that pleasure of solitude.
That pleasure of being true, of being pure, and that pleasure and process of knowing thyself more and more.